Microaggressions and Motherhood: Breastfeeding

Navigating the Unseen Waves

Motherhood is a transformative journey and a rollercoaster of emotions. As a new mum, there have been lots of ups and downs I’ve faced, but something that’s sadly become all too familiar are the microaggressions targeted at women in this stage of their lives. These subtle, often unintentional slights or insensitive comments towards new mothers often stem from people’s own negative attitudes or gender biases, and can make the already challenging path of motherhood even more difficult.

I was inspired by Shau Chung Shin and her call for posts in a blog parade on microagrressions, which you can find here. And so, in this post, I want to write about one of the topics which can be difficult enough to navigate without being hit by microaggressions against women.

The Big ‘B’: Breastfeeding

I’ve found that microaggressions against new mothers concerning breastfeeding often emanate from opposing viewpoints – the “You must exclusively breastfeed at all costs” fraction and the “I can’t believe you’re still breastfeeding” crew. 

Breastfeeding can be a beautiful bonding experience for some new mums, but it’s often not straightforward, and just doesn’t work for some young families. My boobs played along, but I had serious struggles with using a nursing pillow and breastfeeding in public – still a relatively easy breastfeeding journey compared to some mothers. But there are people, who I’ve come to call the “Breastfeeding Mafia”, who are so hell-bent on trying to make every mother breastfeed her baby that they can overlook the potential issues that might occur, and seem to disregard the health of the mother. These breastfeeding advocates often criticise anyone who, for whatever reason, chooses other feeding methods or weans earlier, and sometimes even the food and drink choices the breastfeeding mother makes (see some comments I’ve faced in this blog post). All of this pressure to prioritise breastfeeding over all else can lead  to serious feelings of inadequacy or mum guilt. Sometimes they are outright disdaining of anyone who allows a bottle to come within a 5-mile radius of their baby! But even the more subtle, seemingly positive and well-meaning remarks like “You know iIt’s the best for your baby”, “Don’t give up, even if it’s hard, you can make breastfeeding work.” “It’s a natural part of being a mother.” can feel like a huge weight on your shoulders when you’re facing difficulties with wanting or being able to breastfeed, even contributing to baby blues and depression. Every family’s journey is unique, and not everyone will breastfeed exclusively. These one-size-fits-all statements can feel very attacking and upsetting as microaggressions. 

On the other side of the debate, though, I’ve experienced microaggressions from people who find it odd if a mother continues breastfeeding for what they perceive as “too long”. They often ask questions (“How much longer are you planning on breastfeeding?”) or make apparently well-intentioned suggestions, comments, or judgments based on societal norms (“Maybe your infant would sleep through the night if you didn’t keep feeding them.” /  “I would worry about my child never eating properly”).  These microaggressions indirectly attempt to pressure the mother to consider stopping breastfeeding earlier than she might desire, or to feel less comfortable doing so in public once the child is older than a few months, and so undermine a woman’s confidence and autonomy as a parent.

Basically, no matter what you do, you won’t be able to please and appease everyone – and nor do you have to! It’s important to remember that you have the right to make choices that are best for you and your baby, and you don’t have to justify those choices to others.

How do I handle it?

Here are some tips from my own experiences of microaggressions against mums on the topic of breastfeeding, which might help others handle these situations.

1. In my experience, finding supportive allies has been crucial. Seek out friends, family members, and support groups, both in-person and online, who truly understand and support your feeding choices. Building a supportive network has made me feel more empowered.
2. I’ve found that educating yourself and others plays a significant role. Being well-informed about breastfeeding, its benefits, challenges, and the nuanced reasons behind its success or challenges has boosted my confidence in my decisions. This knowledge has also helped me respond to microaggressive comments with solid facts and research. If you’re comfortable, sharing your personal breastfeeding journey can help break down misconceptions and foster empathy in others.
3. Setting and sticking to boundaries is another valuable lesson I’ve learned. Politely but firmly communicating your boundaries to those offering unsolicited negative comments is essential. For instance, I’ve found that saying, “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve made the best decision for me and my baby, and I’d prefer not to discuss it further,” can be quite effective. Using “I” statements, such as “I feel uncomfortable when my feeding choice is commented on,” can express your needs without escalating conflicts.
4. In my experience, protecting yourself is sometimes the best approach. It’s okay to ignore microaggressions or passive-aggressive comments instead of engaging in a debate. You can also shift the conversation to an unrelated topic. If a situation becomes too uncomfortable or hostile, don’t hesitate to remove yourself from it. Always remember, your well-being and your baby’s well-being should come first. Coping with these challenges can be emotionally draining, so self-care, taking breaks, and doing things that bring you relaxation and joy should always be a priority, regardless of your feeding choice.

Overall, I think such microaggressions, often unintentional, stem from a lack of understanding and empathy for the diverse paths mothers navigate. My own journey has taught me that supporting mothers should mean celebrating their choices, no matter how different they may be from our own. We’re all in this together, and a little kindness and understanding go a long way in making the journey of motherhood a bit smoother. We should be offering a listening ear and a supportive shoulder rather than unsolicited advice. As I always say: Unsolicited advice is basically just (microaggressive) criticism.